Often, individuals may not realise they are married to a narcissist until it's too late or someone close to them points out the concerning behaviour and puts a name to it.
Many people stay in such marriages, accepting mistreatment and the distorted reality created by their spouse as normal. Over time, they may lose their sense of self and become isolated from loved ones.
Whether you've recently realised your spouse's narcissistic traits or you've been dealing with them for years, the decision to end a marriage with a narcissist can be emotionally challenging.
As a consultant solicitor specialising in divorce, I understand the unique complexities involved in divorcing a narcissist. From their manipulation tactics to their relentless pursuit of control, getting through the legal process of divorce while contending with these behaviours requires a well-thought-out approach and a strong support system.
In this article, I'll share tips to help you navigate the process effectively when dealing with a narcissistic spouse. These insights are drawn from real-world experience and a deep understanding of the psychological dynamics at play in such cases.
Table of Contents
What is a narcissist?
A narcissist is someone who has an inflated sense of self-importance and constantly seeks admiration from others. They often lack empathy and struggle to understand or care about other people's feelings. Despite their outward confidence, they're quite fragile and can be easily hurt by criticism.
Narcissism and narcissistic behaviour can lead to difficulties in relationships, work, and other aspects of life. Traits and behaviours commonly associated with narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder include:
Thinking very highly of oneself and needing a lot of attention;
Believing they deserve special treatment;
Imagining great success and superiority without necessarily achieving it;
Feeling better than others;
Being critical of people they think are beneath them and expecting favours without question;
Using others to get what they want;
Lacking empathy and not understanding other people's feelings;
Feeling jealous of others while thinking others are jealous of them;
Arrogance;
Reacting with anger or contempt to put others down and feel superior;
Having trouble dealing with stress and change;
Avoiding situations where they might fail.
What is the cycle of narcissistic abuse?
The cycle of narcissistic abuse is a repetitive pattern where one person manipulates and exploits another. Four phases to this cycle can manifest both during a relationship or marriage and throughout divorce proceedings:
Idealisation
In the beginning, narcissists idealise their partners by showing them lots of affection, compliments, and attention. This is often called "love-bombing," when someone overwhelms another person with attention or affection to control or manipulate them.
Devaluation
As the relationship goes on, the narcissist begins to devalue their partner by criticising, belittling, and undermining them. This phase can deeply hurt the victim emotionally and psychologically.
Devaluation often involves making cruel, degrading, and condescending remarks, sometimes disguised as jokes or sarcasm. Victims often feel confused, doubt themselves, and suffer from low self-esteem as a result.
Discard
Eventually, the narcissist may end the relationship, either suddenly or by slowly pulling away emotionally and physically. Often, they've already found a new person to meet their needs.
This abandonment can leave the victim feeling bewildered, wounded, and deserted, as if the love and connection they shared never mattered or existed.
Hoover
At times, narcissists may attempt to "hoover" their partner back into the relationship using manipulation tactics like guilt-tripping, shifting blame, or making promises to change.
This cycle often repeats unless the victim can break free from the toxic dynamic and see the narcissist for who they are.
What will a narcissist do when you divorce them?
A narcissist may resist divorce because they perceive it as a threat to their self-image. This resistance can lead to behaviours aimed at 'winning,' controlling, or punishing the victim, such as:
Refusing to negotiate a fair settlement
Playing mind games
Ignoring legal advice
Deliberately delaying the process
Using children as weapons
However, the introduction of 'no-fault' divorce as of April 2022 changes things somewhat. Now, you only need to provide a statement of irretrievable breakdown, without proving fault. This change reduces the narcissistic spouse's opportunity to manipulate proceedings or dispute grounds for divorce. It also lessens the emotional strain on victims, as they don't need to gather evidence or engage in confrontational interactions during the process.
How to divorce a narcissist
Below are some helpful tips you may consider during the divorce process to help you prepare for what you might experience when divorcing a narcissist:
1. Create boundaries and stick to them
During a relationship breakdown, a narcissist may try to win you back by love bombing, showering you with affection, and making you feel like you can't live without them.
It's important to recognise this behaviour for what it is - superficial and self-serving.
To counter this, stand your ground, be clear about what you want and why, and most importantly don't let the narcissist's behaviour influence your decision-making.
2. Seek therapy
While your divorce lawyer, friends, and family can offer support during a divorce, an experienced therapist can provide tools to handle challenges and plan for the future.
Dealing with a narcissistic spouse may have hurt your self-esteem, making you more open to manipulation. A therapist can help you build confidence and resist manipulation.
3. Lower your expectations
Narcissists lack empathy, so don't expect understanding or remorse from your spouse during the divorce process.
You might feel torn and desire an apology, but the goal is to legally end the marriage, settle finances, and move forward. Accept that closure from your narcissistic spouse may never come.
4. Find your voice
During the divorce process, take the opportunity to openly and honestly express how your spouse's actions have affected you.
A competent solicitor or barrister should understand your vulnerability and the doubts you may have about your decision. They should support you and boost your confidence through the divorce while also acting as a barrier against any manipulative behaviour from your narcissistic spouse.
5. Don't blame yourself
Your spouse's behavior stems from their narcissism, not from anything you've done. They may try to blame you, ignore their mistakes, or make excuses.
During proceedings, remember this and resist blaming yourself or agreeing with them. Narcissists thrive on the energy they get from making others defensive or affected by their behavior. Don't give them that satisfaction or ammunition.
If you feel overwhelmed and need a break, tellyour solicitor. They'll understand and may be able to limit your contact with your spouse further, putting a stop to the stress.
6. Recognise their defences
Narcissists struggle to cope with their emotions, so they project their negative feelings onto others and often blame them for their own emotions. This can make them confusing and unpredictable. They may switch between feeling grandiose and depressed, effortlessly shifting between playing the judge and the victim.
Expect them to adopt different personalities or personas during the divorce proceedings, depending on the situation and who they're trying to convince. Be prepared for these shifts and recognise them as tactics to manipulate the situation.
7. Identify their triggers
Narcissists tend to react strongly when they feel their self-esteem or sense of superiority is threatened. Criticism, rejection, feelings of inadequacy, loss of control, fear of being laughed at, or any situation where they perceive they're not being treated as exceptionally important can trigger their rage.
By understanding and identifying these triggers that can alter their behaviour, you can prepare yourself to handle such situations more effectively.
8. Make peace with the fact they will make the process difficult
As I've mentioned, narcissists thrive on conflict and detest losing. Consequently, after years of dealing with this behaviour, you may struggle to stand up to their stubborn insistence that they've done nothing wrong.
Navigating a divorce with an uncooperative spouse is undeniably draining. There's no sugar-coating that fact. However, if you remain steadfast and lean on your support network throughout the process, you will emerge on the other side stronger and happier.
Is it fair that your spouse can manipulate situations and act evasively? Absolutely not. Your solicitor should advocate for you during the process, calling out unacceptable behavior and tactics aimed at prolonging proceedings.
9. Talk to your solicitor
The more information your solicitor has, the better equipped they'll be to navigate your spouse's behaviour and work towards a settlement that minimizes stress for you.
Feeling ashamed or embarrassed is completely natural, but it's important to remember that most divorce lawyers have encountered narcissistic spouses before and understand the tactics they employ and the emotional toll they take on their clients. Therefore, honesty is crucial.
If you're feeling overwhelmed, tell your solicitor. They may be able to alleviate some of the burden on you, allowing you to focus on your emotional healing. Additionally, they could connect you with support services, such as therapists or specialist organisations, that can offer further professional assistance.
10. Watch out for triangulation
Triangulation is a tactic used by narcissists and those with narcissistic traits, to maintain control in a relationship. This involves bringing a third person into the dynamic, typically with little to no direct communication between the other two individuals except through manipulation.
In a divorce, narcissists often use triangulation to manipulate and control the situation. They might involve third parties, like friends or even new partners, to bolster their position, create conflicts, and control the flow of information. By doing so, they are trying to undermine your credibility, gain sympathy, and complicate matters.
How can Lawhive help?
At Lawhive, our network of family law and divorce solicitors recognise the challenges of those experiencing narcissistic abuse during divorce proceedings. Our approach goes beyond legal matters to provide tailored support and guidance. By understanding your emotions and experiences, as well as the behaviour of your spouse, we can empower you to get through a divorce with resilience and clarity.
If you are considering a divorce, please get in touch with our legal assessment team today who will help you make an informed decision on your case and put you in touch with the best solicitor for your situation.